The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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