Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
This show inspires me to have sex in space
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I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
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I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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