508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
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this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
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By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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