i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
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A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
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Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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