I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
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Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
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You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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