Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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