My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize