I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize