Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
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You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
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I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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