She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
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In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
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I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
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