I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
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For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
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Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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