You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
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Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
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Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize