I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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