i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
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I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
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She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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