apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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