You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
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The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
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Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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