can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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