Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
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Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
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one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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