It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
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all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
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Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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