I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize