cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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