she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
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He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
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Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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