I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
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The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
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The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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