The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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