that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize