when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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