I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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