I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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