i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
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i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
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I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
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