maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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