After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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