some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
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Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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