Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
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She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
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Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
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