Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
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New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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