I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
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Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
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You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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