Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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