I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
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You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
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I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize