im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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