So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
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Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
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You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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