I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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