Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
We need to get me chipped asap
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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