Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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