Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
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Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
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I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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