I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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