Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Say something about gay babies.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize