a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
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five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
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Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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