My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
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We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
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He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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