i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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