We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
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Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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