I've blown a few things in my day
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
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